Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) **

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) is a tropey schizophrenic slasher with atrocious acting, poor cinematography, haphazard editing, and weak kills, featuring surprisingly little gore.

Director Edmund Purdom, who also stars, must have thought he could recreate the absolute mayhem and crazy energy of  Pieces, which he starred in two years earlier, but he doesn't have the chutzpah to pull off such a feat. Still, there are laughs to be had at the film's expense—the killer with "smiling eyes", many drunken Santas, a stolen Bond villain gimmick. And, speaking of Bond, Caroline Munro shows up in a totally out-of-left-field glorified cameo, performing her Euro disco song "Warrior Of Love", which I genuinely enjoy.

A pale comparison to Silent Night, Deadly Night (my review here)—the true Christmas trash classic of '84—Don't Open Till Christmas is a package that I never feel the need to open again.

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