The Children (1980) **1/2

*SPOILERS*

Phew boy, where to begin with The Children (1980)… A fairly dull and plodding horror cheapie (distributed by Troma, natch) with poor acting and awful special f/x is somewhat saved (and highly entertaining) by virtue of the fact that it goes there. That's right—the main characters kill children (because they have to in order to survive!), and I'm sorry, but when it's presented the way that it is here, it's hilarious.

There's a few decently atmospheric shots here and there, and Harry Manfredini's score is both similar to his work on Friday The 13th (released the same year as this film) and a rip-off of Bernard Herrmann's famous Psycho (1960) cues (before composer Richard Band did the same to even greater effect five years later with Re-Animator—my review here). But mostly The Children is worth watching for the titular brown-nailed-atomic-zombie-bastards who can apparently fry you with their hands (hey, they just want hugs!). Oh, and chopping off said hands (even one hand!) apparently kills them instantly. Well, I suppose The Children is also worth watching to see the two basically inept male leads (attempt and finally succeed to) take out the creepy kiddos with guns, a sword, and an axe—though don't get your hopes too high in this regard, many of the deaths are off-screen (which honestly, just adds to the humor—see this bit of trivia). 

There's also the fun connect the dots game you can play with the cast (some of who appear to be siblings, based on their surnames)—many of who only have a few credits (a few of which are cult classics) to their name (if any outside of this one). Martin Shakar was in Saturday Night Fever (1977)!, Gale Garnett provided a voice for Mad Monster Party? (1967)!, Shannon Bolin was in Damn Yankees (1958)!, Joy Glaccum was in The Prowler (1981)!, Edward Terry was the lead in Luther The Geek (1989)!, Rita Montone was in Maniac (1980) (my review here) and Bloodsucking Freaks (1976)!, and, of course, Peter Maloney (who actually has plenty of credits) was in The Thing (1982) (my review here)!

So yeah, this film is kind of awesome but also really terrible—in short, exploitation at its finest.